Apologizing

When our young children hurt someone after a big frustration, our instinct can be to say, “Go apologize.” But what if they're still angry, overwhelmed, or simply not sorry?

I think about those moments when I've finally folded all my laundry and neatly stacked it on the bed, only for my precious kids to come running in and leap right into the pile. Nooo! I can imagine how big the disappointment can feel for a young child when something they've been building or playing with is suddenly destroyed or taken away.

Sometimes we focus so much on getting children to say “sorry” that we miss the relationship skill of repair underneath it. My first suggestion is always to regulate before you educate. (And sometimes I try to do that in reverse and I promise it doesn't work) It's much harder to learn new skills when our nervous system is in watchdog/protection mode.

After a stressful moment, this is our opportunity to co-regulate with them and help our children find their way back to steadiness. (They learn to self regulate through hundreds of experiences of feeling soothed and seen by an adult) Then, we can gently name what happened and offer some emotion coaching, “That was a tricky moment. I noticed your fists got really tight. You looked pretty angry when your brother knocked over your tower. That makes sense. I'd be disappointed if that happened to me too." Then maybe go outside, get a snack, or water, or practice a special breath together.

Once they seem a little more steady, we can ask, “What can we do to make this better?”

Maybe it's returning the toy, helping rebuild something, getting an ice pack or Band-Aid, giving someone some space, drawing a picture, or eventually offering a genuine apology. There's no timeline on apologies.

And more than anything, our children learn by watching what we do, not just by listening to what we say. So, we get to model repair again and again and again ourselves.

I repair often because I want my kids to know I'm human and I want them to know they can be human too. My go to.... “I shouldn't have..... I'm sorry. I was feeling...., and I wish I had.... next time I'm going to....”

Because children learn repair by experiencing and witnessing it, not by being forced to say the right words. My goal isn't to raise children who know how to perform an apology. I hope they learn something much deeper, that they can make mistakes, have big feelings, repair and stay connected in our relationship.