Moving From Criticism to Encouragement

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to see what's going wrong?

Your child left their shoes in the middle of the floor. They forgot their backpack. They interrupted. They didn't finish what they started. They had another meltdown. They didn't listen the first time.

Our brains are actually pretty good at noticing problems. There is a reason for that negativity bias, we need to notice things that might be unsafe or need our attention.

But sometimes that focus can become so strong that we stop seeing the bigger picture.

Think about a screen door

Imagine you're standing behind a screen door covered with dust, bugs, and dirt.

If you focus on the screen, that's what you see.

But if you shift your focus beyond the screen, you may suddenly notice the trees, the sky, the flowers, and the world around you.

The screen hasn't disappeared.

You've simply changed what you're paying attention to.

I think parenting can be like that, too.

We can become so focused on the things that aren't working that we miss all the things that are working.

What if we looked for progress?

Our children need positive acknowledgement, too.

Not empty praise. Not telling them they're “good” every few minutes.

I'm talking about noticing the actual effort, growth, and skills you're seeing. In our gardens, what we water grows, and what we focus on expands.

Instead of only noticing what your child still needs to learn, try looking back.

What can they do today that they couldn't do a year ago?

Maybe they can finally tie their shoes, get dressed independently, or name a feeling instead of immediately acting on it.

Maybe they came back and repaired after an argument or tried something that used to feel impossible.

These moments can be easy to overlook because we're often future oriented and already thinking about what's next.

Try noticing three things

My offering is to try a simple experiment:

Notice three things your child can do today that they couldn't do a year ago.

Then tell them.

You might say:

“I remember last year you were still working on tying your shoe, and now look at you! It's such a privilege to watch you grow up while you learn these new skills!”

That kind of noticing shifts our attention toward effort and progress.

And it can shift something inside us, too.

What we notice can grow

This doesn't mean ignoring challenging behavior.

Children still need boundaries, support, and guidance.

It simply means that the difficult moments aren't the whole story.

Your child is growing. They're learning. They're developing new skills.

They're becoming more and more themselves. And sometimes, in the middle of the messiness of everyday family life, we need to pause long enough to notice:

Look how far we've come.

So today, try looking past the screen door.

Notice the effort, the tiny changes, things that are becoming easier.

Notice the things your child is learning.

And maybe tell them what you see.

Because it really is a privilege to watch someone grow and unconditional positive regard goes a long way!