Sharing

When I taught preschool, I remember being in awe of how much sharing asks of young children… A LOT! If you have precious littles in this big learning stage, you've probably heard, “That's mine!” a time or two…

Preschoolers don't need to be forced to share. They can be taught to take turns through modeling, practice, and lots of support. It's developmental so if it's not happening yet, give them some time. And, “sharing” isn't actually one skill. It asks children to wait, manage impulses, consider someone else's perspective, use language, regulate emotions, understand time, manage disappointment, negotiate, and trust that they'll get another turn.

Those skills develop gradually, and every brain develops differently. A two-year-old and a five-year-old will have different capacities, but children of the same age can also have very different strengths, needs, and ways of communicating and connecting.

Development isn't linear and can be uneven. A child can be highly skilled in one area and still need lots of support in another, and that's okay.  We get to show up with curiosity and care for each child in the age and stage they are in. Our expectations can be flexible and responsive to the individual child. And, because the brain continues developing well into adulthood, compassion and understanding are important at every stage.

Typically around age 2, “Mine!” and grabbing can be developmentally typical. Children are still developing autonomy, impulse control, and perspective-taking. They need lots of adult support and co-regulation to wait and take turns.

Typically around age 3, language and social understanding are growing, but regulation and impulse control are still very much under construction. They may know, “We take turns,” and still grab the toy anyway. This is a great age to practice simple scripts like, “Can I have a turn when you're done?”

Typically around age 4, children are becoming more capable of cooperation, negotiation, and problem-solving, but they're not consistently capable of all of it yet. We can start asking, “You both want it. What could we do?” and coach rather than immediately solve. (timers are great here!)

And typically around age 5, some children have more capacity for perspective taking, flexible thinking, waiting, and negotiating. But when emotions run high, they may still need reminders and lots of co-regulation.

So when two children want the same toy, instead of automatically saying, “You need to share”, we can pause and regulate our adult nervous system and say something like, “It looks like you're still using that. Your friend can have a turn when you're finished.”

And to the child waiting, we can say, “You can ask, ‘Can I have a turn when you're done?’ Let's find something else to play with while you wait.”

If they're disappointed or frustrated let's name it to tame it and validate their experience. It is hard to wait! And if they both reached for it at the same time: “Looks like two kids both wanted that at the same time. We can figure it out.”

We're teaching children that their needs matter AND other people's needs matter. We're teaching them that they can wait, ask, say “I'm not finished,” handle disappointment, negotiate, and trust that an adult will help when something feels hard.

And sometimes, we don't need to step in at all. Preschoolers move very FAST! If one child grabs a toy, the other moves on, and everyone is happily playing 20 seconds later, that's okay we can let that one go. There will be plenty more opportunities to practice.

Most importantly, challenging behavior around sharing isn't a character flaw. It's often a sign of a skill that is still developing. The child who grabs isn't selfish or rude. And, the child who screams “MINE!” is trying to get their needs met with the skills they have available in that moment.

What matters most is our steadiness. These are children with developing brains, practicing incredibly complicated social skills. Our job isn't to eliminate every conflict. It's to pause and take a deep breath so we can give them the time, connection, modeling, co-regulation, and support they need to gradually navigate more of these moments on their own. For me, the goal is actually much bigger... it's learning how to stay steady in challenging moments and be in relationship with other people.