Siblings!

I keep RE-remembering that sibling conflict is usually about so much more than the surface issue. If we think of an iceberg. The behavior we see, the arguing, grabbing, yelling, tattling, “That’s not fair!” is just the tip of the iceberg. There is a lot happening underneath that we can't see. These behaviors are a clue but not the whole story.

Behaviors can feel baffling but if we get curious about the behavior we can learn a lot. It may look like competition for attention, wanting things to be fair, conflicting needs, developing brains, and still-growing conflict resolution skills. Or maybe it's feeling compared, left out, or “not good enough.” And sometimes, underneath it all maybe it's a child asking,

“Do I matter?” “Am I seen?” “Is there enough love for me?” “Do I belong here?” "Am I safe and connected to my caregiver?"

I know this one personally. Big love and apologies to my little brother.

I was a child PERSISTENTLY searching for autonomy and I definitely gave my parents some growth opportunities. My sweet little brother, who was six years younger, became part of my dysregulation in my search for connection. On the night he was born, a friend told me, “Your parents won't love you anymore now that there's a new baby.”

I couldn't talk to my parents about that feeling, so I bottled it up. And for YEARS, I felt threatened by my brother, his cuteness, his skills, his needs, his very existence in our family. I was determined to convince my parents that he was the problem...

Again, sorry, to my brother... And honestly? I was doing my best with the skills I had.

I've heard it described this way, imagine your partner came home and said, “Being married to you is so great, I went out and found another person to join us!”

Obviously, this isn't the experience of every child or every family. But it has helped me understand why sibling dynamics can be so complicated. We can't force siblings to be close. And we don't need to create a childhood without conflict. What we can do is create the conditions for connection.

Connection is one of the most powerful things we can offer.

When kids feel safe, seen, and connected to us, their brains have more capacity for collaboration, flexibility, learning, problem solving, and repair. Connection is a biological requirement for littles. If a child feels out of step with their source of shelter, food, safety, and love, it can feel like an emergency. Regulated connected kids feel safer and have access to more resourced brains.

So, some ideas that might be supportive are to build in some one-on-one connection time with each child. I recommend 15-20 minutes of very special time with each child at least once a month and daily would be recommended. Give siblings breaks from each other. Having some space to play, regulate, and exist without someone else touching your stuff or taking over your game can be incredibly valuable. Give older children protected space that belongs to them. A cozy corner, a quiet spot, their own playpen “office”, can give them a predictable place to settle and do things their own way. Not as punishment or isolation, but as a place of safety and autonomy. Make room for each child to privately share the annoying things their sibling does without immediately fixing, defending, or correcting. Sometimes validating with, “That makes sense” is enough. Protect each child's individual relationship with you. Do not make one child the “good” one and another the “difficult” one and don't compare them. Model repair. Kids don't need us to referee every disagreement perfectly. Sometimes our job is simply to stay close, keep everyone safe, help them regulate, and support repair when they're ready.

Sibling relationships are messy.

They can be loud and exhausting and they're also where children learn some of life's biggest relationship skills. I learned a great deal about negotiating, communicating, setting boundaries, tolerating disappointment, repairing hurt, and making room for someone else's needs with my brother.

And, they're learning from us, especially from how we respond when things get hard.

The goal isn't to eliminate sibling conflict. It's to help our kids learn that relationships can hold big feelings, mistakes, repair, boundaries, and love..... all at the same time.

Some next steps I suggest....

Where can you find 15 minutes of one-on-one very special connection time with each child?

And where can you add a little more unconditional positive regard for each child.

My go to phrases are:

“I'm so lucky to be your parent.”

“I'm so glad you were born.”

Those little moments when our child feels seen and valued are doing much more beneath the surface than we realize.