Sleep

We all know how important sleep is for children, but knowing that doesn't make bedtime any easier. Sleep can be hard..... really hard. Some children seem to fall asleep the moment their head hits the pillow (I've heard), while others struggle to settle, wake throughout the night, or need a parent close by before they can drift off. I understand this struggle personally. We tried the cuddle curl, the swing, the car, white noise, music, night walks, and everything we could think of. My child didn't sleep well for many years, and I remember how exhausting and discouraging those nights could be. And... when I was a child, my own parents drove me up and down the Oregon Coast nightly get me to fall asleep. I have so much compassion for parents/caregivers who are in this sleepless season. The good news is it will shift.

There is no perfect bedtime routine, and sometimes getting everyone the sleep they need takes patience, creativity, and plenty of trial and error. Sleep is an important part of a child's development. And, as mammals we are most vulnerable at nighttime so it makes sense it can be challenging for their new to the world nervous systems. Supporting our children in feeling safe and secure is my biggest suggestion.

Infants typically 4-12 months need 12-16 hours of sleep in a day, toddlers in the 1-2 year range typically need 11-14 hours, Preschoolers typically need about 10–14 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, including naps. School-age children ages 6-12 years need closer to 9-12 hours, and typically teenagers up to 18 need 8-10 hours of sleep per day. Although every child is different and stages of disequilibrium can make sleep harder, focusing on sleep is a great investment. While children sleep, their brains are busy processing what they learned during the day and supporting memory, attention, emotional regulation, growth, and overall health.

Sometimes a child/teen who isn't getting enough sleep doesn't look sleepy at all. They may become irritable, anxious, overly active, have trouble focusing, struggle with small frustrations, or seem especially “wired” at bedtime. One helpful clue is how your child functions during the day. A well-rested child is generally better able to focus, cooperate, manage emotions, cope with changes, and enjoy time with others.

One of the most helpful things we can offer our children is a sense of felt safety and consistency. Consistency doesn't mean perfection, AND attunement is important here too. Try to keep wake up and bedtime reasonably predictable throughout the week. A regular schedule helps your child's internal body clock know when it is time to be awake and when it is time to sleep. Give yourself 20–30 minutes for a calming bedtime routine, pajamas, brushing teeth, a story, a song, a back rub, or simply some quiet time together. Turn off screens in the evening and keep televisions, tablets, and computers out of the bedroom through high school if you can. Make the room comfortable, quiet, and dark enough for sleep. And if your child is afraid, worried, or simply not ready to separate from you at bedtime, offer reassurance, validation, and lots of co-regulation. Sometimes what a child needs most at the end of the day is a few extra minutes of connection and the comfort of knowing, “You are safe. I am here. It's time to rest.”

If bedtime is a struggle in your home, it's not that you're doing something wrong. Please know there is no magic wand for sleep, and every child is different. Start with one small change rather than trying to overhaul the entire evening. Focus on your connection with your child away from bedtime and maybe tonight it's finishing books earlier or turning off the television. Maybe it's creating a predictable bedtime routine, or spending a few quiet minutes talking together before lights out. Our family loved our pajama walks and the nighttime air was very regulating for me too!

Give changes time to work, and notice how your child responds. One of the smallest changes of moving bedtime 15 minutes sooner or later has be proven to make a huge impact. Some children will need more support than others, and sometimes families will try several approaches before finding what works. If your child continues to have significant difficulty sleeping, snores frequently, has unusual breathing during sleep, is excessively sleepy during the day, or you have other concerns, please talk with your pediatrician.

Most importantly, give yourself some grace. I know firsthand that sleep struggles can take a toll and I also know that things can get better. The goal isn't a perfect night of sleep every night. It's helping your child, little by little, feel safe, secure, and confident enough to rest. And if you're not getting enough sleep, I invite you to reach out for some support so you can get some naps, in because we can't pour from an empty cup.