When Change Feels Hard: Sitting in the Stew of Discomfort

Today's reminder is that change is stressful.

Children and teens are growing rapidly and constantly changing. Their bodies change. Their brains change. Their friendships change. Their needs change. Their expectations change.

And sometimes, even when the change is good, growth is uncomfortable.

I like to think about it this way: CHANGE = STRESS

Stress isn't necessarily bad. It is information. It tells us that something is happening and that our systems are responding to it. But stress can bring discomfort.

We found a lot of mold under our floorboards in our 100 year old home in 2025 and ended up staying with friends and relatives for about 6 months. We moved 5 times and had lots of uncertainty and stress. And, we all learned a valuable lesson. We learned a little more about getting comfortable with discomfort. We also learned that change is constant and one of the few things we can truly count on. And, we learned that we have a community and we have each other.

We don't always have to figure it out

This is one of the hardest parts of parenting. I want to know the answer and have the solution. I want to understand what is happening and make it better. But sometimes we don't have any answer. Sometimes our job is simply to be here in it. I often tell my kids that we're just sitting in a stew of discomfort. It doesn't mean we like it. It doesn't mean we're going to stay there forever. And it doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for ways to support them. It means I don't have to rescue them from every uncomfortable feeling and I'm going to be here with them in the uncertainty and discomfort. And, they can trust that things will shift.

What is the behavior communicating?

When our children are struggling, it can be tempting to focus immediately on the behavior.

Why are they acting like this? How do I make this stop? What consequence should there be?

But if we remember that behavior is communication, we can get curious about what might be underneath it. Could they be stressed? Are they overwhelmed? Is something changing?

Sometimes the behavior is communicating something that our child doesn't even have words for yet. As much as you can, slow down and see if you can be present with this new moment. Our steadiness can be contagious so instead of immediately trying to fix or solve it, be in it, get curious about what might be happening underneath the behavior.

We can sit in it together

Our children don't need us to have every answer. They need to know that they aren't alone.

I can sit beside my child in the uncomfortable moment. I can listen. I can stay curious. I can remind them that we'll get through it. Sometimes there will be something we can do. Sometimes there will be a solution. And sometimes the most supportive thing I can offer is my presence so they know they don't have to experience the discomfort alone.