When Change Feels Hard: Sitting in the Stew of Discomfort

Today's reminder is that change is stressful.

Children and teens are growing rapidly and constantly changing. Their bodies change. Their brains change. Their friendships change. Their needs change. Their expectations change.

And sometimes, even when the change is good, growth is uncomfortable.

I like to think about it this way:

CHANGE = STRESS

Stress isn't necessarily bad. It is information. It tells us that something is happening and that our systems are responding to it.

But stress can bring discomfort.

And if we're going to live in a world where change is one of the few things we can truly count on, I think part of our work is learning to become more comfortable with discomfort.

What is the behavior communicating?

When our children are struggling, it can be tempting to focus immediately on the behavior.

Why are they acting like this?

How do I make this stop?

What consequence should there be?

But if we remember that behavior is communication, we can get curious about what might be underneath it.

Could they be stressed?

Are they overwhelmed?

Is something changing?

Is there an unmet need?

Sometimes the behavior is communicating something that our child doesn't even have words for yet.

As much as you can, pause and see if you can be present with this new moment. Instead of immediately trying to fix everything, get curious about what might be happening underneath the behavior.

We don't always have to figure it out

This is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me.

I want to know the answer.

I want to understand what is happening and make it better.

But sometimes we find an answer.

And sometimes we don't.

Sometimes our job is simply to be here in it.

I often tell my kids that we're just sitting in a stew of discomfort.

It doesn't mean we like it.

It doesn't mean we're going to stay there forever.

And it doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for ways to support them.

It means I don't have to rescue them from every uncomfortable feeling.

We can sit in it together

Our children don't need us to have every answer.

They need to know that they aren't alone.

I can sit beside my child in the uncomfortable moment. I can listen. I can stay curious. I can remind them that we'll get through it.

Sometimes there will be something we can do.

Sometimes there will be a solution.

And sometimes the most supportive thing I can offer is my presence.

I will sit in the stew with you and keep loving you with everything I've got.

That doesn't mean I have all the answers.

It means you don't have to experience the discomfort alone.