When Your Child Knows Better but Can't

Sometimes our children really do know the expectation. They know what they're supposed to do, and they may even be able to explain it beautifully when they're steady.

And then, in the moment, they just… can't. And it's a can't not a won't...

This can be especially hard to understand when we've seen our child successfully use a skill before.

One thing I find helpful to remember is that knowing something and being able to access that knowledge in a moment of dysregulation are two different things.

When a brain is flooded with big feelings, stress, overwhelm, or too much sensory input, it can be much harder to access the thinking and executive-function skills that are available when we are steady and regulated.

So what looks like “won't” may sometimes actually be a “can't right now.”

And in those moments, giving more information usually isn't what helps most. Flooding the flood doesn't work. If a child is already overwhelmed, another explanation, reminder, lecture, or correction may simply add more to an already overloaded system.

This is where co-regulation comes in. Before we can expect a child to problem-solve, learn, reflect, or change their behavior, they may first need help feeling safe and connected again.

That might mean slowing down. Getting quieter and smaller. Offering your presence. Reducing demands. Taking a breath together. Sitting nearby. Giving them space while letting them know you're still there. For big kids that head to their rooms, I like to give them a little space but not too much. I will often slip a note under the door with a reminder that they are precious to me.

It doesn't mean there are no boundaries or expectations.

It means we recognize that regulation comes before education.

And honestly, this can be exhausting. Especially when we're already tired, overwhelmed, or trying to get through a busy day. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is acknowledge that this is hard for us, too.

We don't have to be perfectly regulated parents or caregivers. We are humans, too.

The invitation is simply to get curious: Is this a moment when my child needs more information, or more connection?

Is this really a “won't,” or might this be a “can't” right now?

What would help their nervous system feel safe enough to access the skills I know they have?

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can offer isn't another lesson. It's our loving presence.

And once everyone is feeling more steady and settled, then we can talk, teach, repair, practice, and try again. That's where learning can happen.